Wednesday, November 25, 2015

Grace's Spiral

Yesterday, I had an agenda:  Observe and document in the classrooms.  I had an intention, a wondering:  In what ways do we, as adults, affect a child's relationship to agency?  In what ways is that relationship connected to our practices around struggle and holding space for what IS?

I grabbed my camera.  I took some deep breaths.  And I began to document.  See with me:

Mary's children feel wary of me coming into their space. They probably wonder:  Is she here so that Mary can leave on a break? What does she want? 

Mary calmly explains to them that I'm there to take pictures.  She's available for connection and reassurance.  Can you sense how they know she's their person, their safe space? They know, already, as infants:  I can be seen by her. I can let her know what I'm feeling. She has space for me to be a whole version of me.  

And the feelings pass.  And they play again.  

Outside, my chest can hardly contain my heart as I watch more teachers who are masters of presence, connection, and holding space for whole selves.  

Slowly, as I feel the awe and joy wash over me in my observation, I realize something's coming up for me:  Sometimes, I'm afraid to be seen.  Sometimes, the idea of going into the classroom is overwhelming.  Sometimes, the process of being open for others AND showing up where I'm at and accepting that that's where I'm at... is a struggle.  Sometimes, I'm afraid that I'll let people down, that I'm not enough.  Sometimes, my fear tells me:  you might not be enough.

As I witness this understanding of my own fears, as I turn into them a bit and imagine hugging the part of me that fears, a few children come over to me. See with me, and feel this:

When face to face with these children, I feel truths deeper and stronger than any fear:

We are worthy of being seen.
We matter.
We are exactly where we should be right now. 
We are enough.

I am enough.

When I come back inside and head upstairs to start processing about the blog, I remember my wonderings:  In what ways do we, as adults, affect a child's relationship to agency?  In what ways is that relationship connected to our practices around struggle and holding space for what IS?   

I try to think about agency but am left vibrating with the feeling of seeing and being seen, of holding space for others and myself, of releasing into a peaceful trust in my own process. THIS is what Grace feels like.

I am struck by the realization that the powerful presence of Grace in the classroom made processing around agency (both itself and the relationship to it) feel like a stretch, an effort that would take away from a deeper resonating connection.  And BAM, it connects:  
My own agency--the grace I allow to myself to follow my inner guide, my own path--resonates with the grace I allow for others; back and forth, each connection with others spirals inward and outward, reinforcing deeper truths.  

Spiral with me.