Let's Talk About Sex.

I was supposed to be really productive tonight...  Business tax stuff, updating SAIF stuff, responding to emails, preparation for new enrollments, and, and, and... And then I read Janet Landsbury's article on child molestation (http://www.janetlansbury.com/2010/11/a-child-molester-in-my-circle/) and immediately felt like I had a lot I wanted to say. Blogs are so useful for such reactionary rants! So here goes:

I've written a ton and cut out a lot and then re-wrote some and, in the end, what I want to share is the idea that both prevention of abuse and preparation in case of abuse fall under my over-arching goal to support sexual health.

In order to start processing about supporting the sexual health of my children, I have to remind myself that:

Yes, my children are both under three years old.

Yes, they will (in all likelihood) both have sex someday.

Yes, I can make a positive impact on their future sex life now.

My processing is shaped by a workshop on Supporting Sexual Health I attended many years ago and  some of Tracey's great workshops (http://www.practicalparentingpdx.com/home.html) addressing safety and the development of sexual identities. These workshops brought up some intense provocations:

How do you remember your first sexual experience? Would you want the same for your child? What can we do to support healthy future sexual relationships for our children?

Thinking about our kids and sex is intense! But in reality, now is the time to sit down as parents and process and set goals for our intentions...

  

The pedagogy of RIE has helped us raise infants, toddlers, and preschoolers who are self-confident, compassionate, aware, and able to bond in meaningful, healthy relationships... With routines and communication we've supported anticipation which led to active participation and ownership over their lives. With a sense of basic trust that they will develop at their own pace in their own way, we've strengthened their trust in themselves which led to calculated risk-taking and divergent thinking. And with these same concepts in mind, I'm trying to create a suggestion list  for myself and others (looking forward to your comments for adjustments and additions!):

1. Foster body love and respect and awareness, including normalization of difference.
   Perhaps most importantly: model love, respect, and awareness of OUR OWN bodies. We want them to love their bodies now AND when they are 15, 25, 35... etc. Rejoice in our own body changes—crow's feet, squishy bellies, scratchy feet and all!
2. Create a family phrase such as:
   Private parts are tender parts of our bodies: eyes, ears, nose, mouth, vagina/penis, breasts, butthole. Please tell me if anyone or anything touches a private part of your body so that we can do an inspection to make sure it's not injured. Sometimes when private parts are injured, we need to go to the doctor, just like when other parts of our bodies are injured.
   Ideally, you'll hear about sand in the eyes, a bark chip in the ear, wet-willies and such.
   Always respond calmly (!!!) with an Inspection and a you-made-a-responsible-choice-to-take-care-of-your-private-parts message.
   Encourage continued communication! (In other words, if we belittle a “false” or “harmless” tale of unwanted touching, we do work against future communication that may be important!!! They don't need to differentiate yet—just be familiar with letting us know and inspecting.
3. Make full-body exams at doctor appointments normal. This is not typical practice, but should be!
   Why? I see it similar to a Fire Drill: if we know what to expect if/when a crisis happens, it will be less traumatic if/when it occurs.
   AND, this is the perfect opportunity to talk about what's going on with your child's body NOW and what the next step will be. The pediatrician who specialized in sexual health advocated talking positively about the next step(s) and asked each child to let their parents know when they noticed such changes so that they could come back are share with him too. For young, young children, the next steps may be teeny tiny ones (for boys, changes to foreskin or growth; for girls, simply that their vulvas and vaginas and such will grow along with the rest of their body), but it won't be long before erections/arousal, voice changes, body shape changes, and new hair will be huge, anticipate-able changes for our children. 

4. Create family-led, calm, and safe conversations around bodies and sexual health so that:

           Each child can anticipate what's going to happen next.

           Things like self-stimulation/masturbation and body changes are met with calm, normalizing reactions—let's start the ANTI-SHAME movement!!!

           Your family develops clear, anti-shaming messages about expectations for

when and where such things happen—for example, if a young child wants to put their hand in their pants, where can that be done? When? Do you have a wash-hands-first or wash-hands-after policy?

when and where such things are discussed.

And coming back around to my original provocation for this processing: Our intentions around supporting sexual health prepares for the worst case scenario: If someone molests your child,

• they will already have a shame-free, normalized pattern of communicating with you about private parts
• by staying calm and going through normalized and predictable routines (such as communicating about private part touches, full-body doctor exams, etc.), we LIMIT additional stress, infringement, and shame.

This is short! And only one piece of a huge, complex, and important series of topics including sexual health, identity development, social norms, safety, abuse, and, and, and, and...

So help me out in the comments with any thoughts or links that can address MORE!