Praise Junkies

We all want our children to feel confident and secure.  And for most of us, the yearning for children who feel good about themselves combines with our hope to encourage certain behaviors and then combines with own experiences for a simple result:  we praise.  I remember when newborn Willa struggled to poop and did it, I exclaimed, “Good job, Willa!”  I felt a strong, strong urge to make sure she knew I was pleased with her.

Thankfully Shane noticed, and that gave me the opportunity to reflect.  I had met plenty of children who understood a strong connection between their own actions and adult pleasure (and displeasure).

The first time I met Jill, she cocked her head to the side, smiled coyly, and pushed the collar of her shirt up at me, inviting me to comment.  “I see you are wearing a red shirt today,” I replied.  Jill then asked in a voice worthy of a grape juice commercial, “Do you think it’s pretty?” 

Jack typically only spent a short time at an activity and would often stop, find an adult, and ask of the product of his activity, “Do you like it?”

Sally, parent of Tom, came to me in a state of panic:  “Whenever Tom pees in the potty, we give him a sticker and are excited and happy.  But now he’s peeing on the floor!  We show that we’re angry with this, but it just keeps happening!”

Polly Elam, in a RIE Intensive, referred to this cause-and-effect exploration as “control of the giants.”  Unfortunately, even with our best intentions, we can create patterns that encourage children to explore how they can affect us more than what works best for them.

At one of her workshops, Tracey Johnson (practicalparentingpdx.blogspot.com) talked about supporting each child’s “internal locus of control.” (I just googled that phrase for interesting results!)  In short, most of us hope that in the future, our children will make decisions actively and based on what works best for them (instead of based on external consequences or influences).  Do we want our child to choose not to speed (or do speed) because they might get caught or because it’s dangerous?  Do we want our children to make choices about sex based on what they think our reactions will be or based on the possible natural consequences?

I believe it’s impossible to completely get rid of praise.  Even if we re-pattern our language, a statement as simple as “You did it!” can still send the message “You’re pleasing me!”  But I also believe that it’s possible to help children have a healthy understanding of their affects on adults AND have a healthy method of decision making.

So what does this look like?  I’ve noticed that children (and adults!) like the feeling of being noticed.  So I try to ensure that when there’s occasion (whether it’s the child looking at me with excited eyes about their new discovery or my own need to acknowledge), I take the time to be fully present in that moment.  I stop what I’m doing, make eye contact, and give space and time for the reflection of this experience to feel complete.   And although I might want to say “Good job,” “Cool,” or some other excited exclamation, I

·         Try to make factual observations

·         Try to include reference to that which I want to perpetuate and/or reinforce (such as perseverance, hard-work, careful work, observation skills, etc.)

·         Try to appear pleasantly and moderately impressed (i.e. calm and happy instead of ecstatic or overly pleased)

 “You did it—you put your toes into your shoes, and then you pulled on that tab so that your heel went it…  You worked really hard, and it worked.”

“Your pee is going into the toilet.  I can hear it hitting the water.  That means you get to flush the toilet.”

“I see—it looks like you chose to use the red and the blue paint today.  Oh yes, and here, I see lines, and over there I see arcs.  It looks like you’re working on different ways of moving the brush.”

“You offered to give that to her later, and she said ok.  Sounds like that works well for both of you.”

I find that when I can be consistent with this goal, we all feel good.  And I like that feeling.  So I keep doing it.  It works for me!

 --This article first appeared in our TIH newsletter, and parent Peter Rock then found this interesting article:

http://www.reed.edu/reed_magazine/september2010/features/perils_of_praise/index.html

What are your thoughts, and have you found other supportive articles?

--Amy